Hey I’m Anxious, What’s Up With You ?

Hey guys ! It’s been a long time since I’ve been personal up in here. I don’t know if I ever told you but I am totally freaking out when it comes to health issues. I don’t like doctors, I don’t like taking medication, I don’t like going to the doctor, I’m afraid of surgery, I’m extremely afraid of getting pregnant, you get the gist. I guess it has to do with my anxiety, being constantly anxious about stuff make you go on overdrive and overthink everything and anticipate the worst case scenarios. It’s completely irrational and I know it. Doesn’t mean it stops me from freaking out.

A couple of months ago I was diagnosed with sciatica. When the doctor told me I had an honest to god panic attack. I started hyperventilating, my heart was beating crazy fast and I got really hot really fast. I left my husband in the room with the doctor (which, what ?), and went to lay down in the waiting room. I don’t know what I would’ve done if he told me I had something even more serious. It’s just that sciatica is something I’ve heard old people have. Well not old old, just not 28. Turns out when talking with people about it afterwards, I found out that a lot of young folks around me have had it too. So I wasn’t turning into a grandma, my back was just not feeling like a champ.

While working at the festival and being in charge of stock, I did a lot of heavy lifting. Which wasn’t in my job description at all, but you know how control freaks get when they want to get the job done. They get stupid. And as soon as I came back to Casablanca, I started having back pains that I didn’t put much thought into. I went to see a physiotherapist once or twice but that was it. Until one day at the beach when I wanted to sit cross legged to play cards, my left leg starting aching, not to the point of discomfort but still. A dull pain that went away when I stretched my legs out, so I didn’t wanna focus on it. I thought it was probably just sore muscles.

But unfortunately, the nagging pain didn’t go away. It was there every time my legs weren’t sitting right, and it kept bothering me, but still not to the point where I would think of going to the doctor. I was just waiting it out. One day after deciding to go walking with my husband, my ankle started hurting like nobody’s business. I kept shut because I didn’t wanna seem weak (which again, WHAT?!), and kept walking. Until at one point the pain became so unbearable that I started limping. I’m sparing you the part where he looked at me like I was an actual crazy person and wondered why I was the way I am. Lol.

After that, I finally agreed to go see a doctor who – of course just my luck – wrongfully diagnosed me with tendonitis. The pain became worse, I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t keep standing five minutes up straight to make a meal, and I couldn’t sit, I didn’t know what to do with myself. After a particularly heavy episode, my husband took me to see another doctor, that quickly realized the problem wasn’t coming from my leg, but rather higher. A nerve in my lower back that was causing the pain.

And at that time, we were supposed to go to Madrid, Punta Cana and Rome the week after, and I was supposed to go to Paris & Nantes right when we came back. Like, I had practically a whole month of holidays planned that might’ve gotten ruined by a stupid pain. The angel that I have for a husband told me that it was okay if we didn’t go, sitting countless hours in planes wasn’t gonna be a joyful ride. But I was set on going, I didn’t care if I got drugged up before, but I was going, point blank period. I ended up spending the flight back from Punta Cana laid on the floor between two restrooms. But I did go so. What’s a few hours of pain compared to days on end in Paradise, right ?

Anyway, my point is that I didn’t wanna write something because I didn’t wanna talk about my health. Physical health. I somehow felt that it was even more personal than mental health. And I figured that talking about it was making a bigger deal of what it really was. I just figured I’d wait until the pain went away to go back to scribbling. But it didn’t go away. Two weeks ago I drove my car (which I stopped doing) because I thought I was « fine », went to two events and kept talking to people while standing up. And I relapsed, since then, I have numbing pain in my leg that feels like fire and pisses me the fuck off. And I guess it’s my fault because I’m reckless and I don’t know how to stand still, and I feel like it’s unfair to be lying down while every other person is up.

I don’t know how to wait and I never did, and if I knew how to better take care of myself I would’ve consulted a doctor as soon as the pain flared up, not until I started limping and having difficulties managing everyday tasks.

I’m just writing this today, to say to all the independent women out there, that it’s okay to say that you’re hurt. That you’re not fine, and that you’re in pain. I guess by wanting to be strong and capable, I forgot that I’m not just a woman who’s supposed to be on top of everything, I’m also just a simple human who can experience regular life issues, as stupid as leg and back pain. I don’t usually listen to my body when it tells me that I need rest, because I feel like rest is something to do when you’re done doing everything else you’re supposed to. I even feel bad when I’m reading a book for pleasure because I figure that’s a time I could be dedicating to reading a book for studies. That’s anxiety 101. I feel guilty whenever I’m not being productive, I feel bad if I wake up after 8:30, even on weekends (my husband has to turn off my alarm on Saturdays and Sundays). And it comes to this, I have to have a hold on everything, even my sleep schedule. And for all the progress that I made with my self confidence, my self esteem, I still have a long way to go with my anxiety.

But I guess sharing my life with someone that is not eaten up by these kind of worries is gonna pay off eventually. And it doesn’t necessarily need to be your life partner, it can be your one of your friends, your parents, people that make you feel calm, not those that drive you crazy. You’re already on overdrive most of the time, you need rest. Both brain and body rest. So if you’re overly anxious, surround yourself with people that don’t have the exact same problem.  We all have our issues, each different than the others, but it’s good not to have the same issues. We help each other out. It’s nice. It’s really nice.

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