If you told me years ago that I would care about Valentine’s day, I would have laughed at your face and probably been like bitch where? How will my wrinkled battered cynical little black heart ever care about a cheesy lovey dovey holiday like that one? I’m not ashamed to say that I ate my words because my depressed ass is not depressed anymore and I’m feeling really happy about this upcoming valentine’s day.
It’s not about the holiday itself, the flowers or the chocolates or whatever, it’s more about the fact that I’m looking forward to it. To be even more in love than usual; if that’s even possible, but to know that there’s a sparkly, shiny bright holiday meant for me and my lover, warms my heart and makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I’m thinking about pampering him and taking care of him and showing him how much I appreciate everything he does for me.
I’m not promoting being in a relationship, because you should do whatever the hell you want, and I personally always enjoyed being single. I usually felt self conscious whenever I was with someone so I preferred to be alone, even though neither my friends nor my family wanted to get it, because how could I be happy on my own? Well I was, I didn’t feel unwanted just because I was single, and I definitely didn’t feel the need to be told nice things about me that were going to make me feel great because I thought them myself. I didn’t need someone to lift me up because I was doing it myself. You know, be your own trap queen and all that. I wasn’t going to be with someone just for the sake of being with someone. I really really don’t like passing time with another person, especially romantically, so their presence must feel a million times better than my solitude.
So yes, falling in love is a conscious choice I made, because I was ready to. Not because I felt alone, or needed validation, or any other reason why we choose to date. I chose to be with that person because of all the good reasons, maybe even for sane reasons. And love is all sorts of different things, there’s not just one way we show it to each other. There’s a million tiny little things that make you say; this is what good loving is supposed to feel like. This is what putting your ego aside, for the sake of your relationship feels like, this is what sacrifice, selflessness, understanding, patience, tolerance, tenderness, leads to. This is why no matter how many miles there are that separates us, I’ll always feel like he’s right next to me.
Because this year, I’m grateful. This year, I’m thankful, I’m humbled, I don’t wanna pretend to be something that I’m not, pretend not to care, pretend to be above everything sweet, I’m not cold hearted even though I’ve always pretended to be; nothing touches me, nothing matters. All those were lies, everything matters deeply, I want love, I want to be cared for, I want the same care I’m able to give, I want it back, I want all the cheesy stuff, I want to be holding hands, I want to be smiling stupidly, I want to be in my little fluffy bubble, and I don’t care how sickening it can’t be for others, I was those others and I realize now how much of a killjoy I was.
Because love is when we fight and we still sit next to each other, because we still want to be in each other’s presence, because even though you’re hurting, they’re still the person you seek comfort from. Because you still need their touch, to know that no matter what happens, they’re still going to be there.
Because love is when you’re video chatting and he’s sleepy and you’re not but he doesn’t wanna leave you alone, so he asks if you can stay a little longer. He’s half asleep on your screen mumbling how he’ll love you and protect you, telling you that he’s not just saying that because he’s already through, that he really means it. Love is when you watch him slowly falling asleep before your eyes, and in your heart, you want to protect him too.