Who hasn’t been victim of horrible boyfriends? I for one was dating this truly awful human being, because I was feeling not so great about myself. We all do this mistake of dating people for who they seem to be, not for who they actually are. When you’re a teen and still impressionable, a guy who throws you a couple of Nietzsche quotes, listens to indie slash depressing music, seems all too attractive to you.
He’ll throw a couple of offhanded remarks about your height, weight, mock you and then compliment, leaving you high and dry and wanting more. You hate that person for how she makes you feel but then again look for their company because you have so many things in common, or so you think. That’s the thing with this kind of people, they take advantage of your low-ish self esteem and run with it. You’re not actually compatible with these guys, they’ll know what you like, they’ll play it to their advantage, they’ll make it seem like you guys are meant to be together, and of course, they’ll tear you down so you keep coming back for more.
It’s a vicious circle that I’ve lived; all of my girlfriends have lived. Like, it’s a perfectly oiled system; I don’t even give credit to the guys who have that kind of behavior. It’s not even thought out or anything, it’s plain douche instinct. If you think they mean to be that hurtful you’re giving them way too much credit. They’re basic. Not intelligent. You on the opposite are. You just don’t realize it. Sometimes you’ll have the chance to have a good support system made out of your friends, maybe your mom, siblings or cousins, that’ll make you realize how bad of an influence that person is on you. And sometimes you don’t have that chance, or you’re too afraid to share, so you keep it to yourself and if you don’t pay attention, you’ll stay in that toxic relationship for a long time. I’ve also seen people get married to that douche-y person, which is tragic honestly.
It has a lot to do with how you perceived love from your parents, and how you managed to get through your teenage years. For instance my parents were the kind of supportive, loving and caring parents everyone would wish for. When at fourteen I felt not so pretty, I would go to my dad and complain about my braces or my hair and he’ll be like “you’re perfect”. That’s the response a parent should have, they never critiqued my appearance or my intelligence, and always praised my efforts and how smart I was (that lead me to become the highly critical always looking for perfection person that I am right now but that’s not why we’re here right now). But sometimes, even with all their praise, it’s not enough. You’ll hear comments for mean little kids at school and you’ll take it for granted, you’ll catch something someone said about you and make it like that little snarky thing is everything you are. You focus so much on your “flaws” that you completely overshadow your qualities. And you let assholes tear you down because you don’t think of yourself as great as you are.
And you shouldn’t think you’re great because you’re the prettiest, or the smartest, or funniest, or anything –est. You’re great because you exist in this planet and you’re a human being who breathes fresh air and that’s fucking incredible. I don’t know how we got here or how to explain humanness 101 but like, it’s a miracle that you’re an alive person who can talk and walk and love and have all these feelings, and get to live like the hero of your own lifetime movie. You’re a miracle and a treasure, to all the people around you, you make people smile, and people love you, and sometimes hate you, and that’s the beauty of it. You’re who you are and you should be proud, you’re unique and beautiful, and you should let no one, ever, tell you otherwise. So please, I beg of you, to every teen (or not so teen) girl out there who’s in a toxic relationship with someone who makes her feel bad about herself, that’s not the guy for you. He’s not right, you shouldn’t have to change this one little thing about you to be better, no your hair is fine, your weight is fine, your sense of humor is hilarious, you don’t have to change for anyone ever. If someone doesn’t like what he sees, that’s his own problem; you’re no one’s shrink.
Don’t change for some random dude, not for a loser, not for a lawyer, a pilot, a mediocre, a successful guy. You are the way you are and you don’t have to change a thing about yourself. Ask yourself this one question: am I confortable enough to eat a bag of chips in my pj’s in front of this guy? If the answer is yes, he’s a keeper. Bonus points if he looks at you adoringly while you’re doing so.