There’s a real issue I’ve been dealing with inside my own head concerning my relationship. Okay a little background is necessary; I’ve always been emo. That’s like, a fact. I was a ten year old who was nostalgic of her eight year old life. Nostalgie has always been a part of me, I’d feel nostalgic of things I have never lived, of places I’ve never been. So obviously I listened to sad ass indie music (watching the OC has done nothing to cheer up my music taste either). I’m not saying that I didn’t turn up to Rihanna, I always did, it’s just that it was a little part of me. I was big part conflicted teenager.
This of course took a serious toll on my relationships, mixed with what I saw around me and on tv (thank you little screen for screwing with my perspective on life, and love, and love life), I equated being in love with being miserable. I had my first boyfriend at 15 whom I found waay too cheerful for me. He was a happy person and I hated that. I liked him but he wasn’t enough tormented for my liking. He was a healthy, happy teenage boy. So obviously I did everything in my power to sabotage that relationship. You’re so very dumb when you’re young, I don’t know how I’ll ever deal if I ever have children, they’ll inherit some dumbness from me that’s undebatable.
Anyway flash forward to ten years later, I’m 25 and I’ve had my fair share of disastrous relationship, after a copious amount of soul searching and finally getting to understand what my mom meant when she said she was happy when the sky was clear and birds were singing, I realized that being nice wasn’t a weakness. Being enthusiastic is great. Being happy, and cheerful and not being cynical, all of this, everything, meant that I was finally ready to meet the right person for me.
I’m not a big believer in soulmates, I just believe that they’re some people out there, friends, lovers, that fit us perfectly. Because they’re everything that we’re not, they have everything that we lack, and we do as well. It’s about being complementary to each other, not being alike. And I finally met the guy that I spent so many years trying to avoid; the one who smiles at life, the one who’s just inherently happy. The one who did little joyful backflips on the dark cloud hanging over my head and made it into an actual rainbow. The one who was so free to be himself, actually dancing to the music rather than nodding along. I was in love with a healthy person, for the first time in my life, I was finally ready to be in a loving relationship.
So obviously being who I am, I questioned if everything was too easy. Why wasn’t I crying about something ? Why didn’t I feel bad, like my heart was gonna get ripped out of my chest ? Why did I just feel good ? (It’s right about now that you realize that my issues have issues) It didn’t feel like some major change in my life, I wasn’t anxious the slightest. Getting married and living together felt just like the most obvious thing in the world. I wasn’t afraid, I didn’t have panic attacks, for the first time in my life I’m sleeping around 11 and I wake up the next morning feeling fresh, like a regular person. This is all so foreign to me, not feeling bad is foreign to me. Good god.
And now that I’m writing this I realize that this new feeling of happiness is something I just have to get used to, it’s normal that people feel this way. I never had great relationships stories in front of me, nothing was picture perfect, but like my husband always said to me, why wouldn’t we be that great relationship story ? And he’s right, I don’t need to see happiness to believe it, I just have to believe it can happen at all. So this goes out to people who search for trouble even when it’s not there, stop it, you’re fine. Being happy is possible, you don’t have to be in a mess of a relationship to call it epic, choose to be happy.