It’s been a long time since I wrote something personal, not that I lacked motivation or didn’t have things to say ; I always have stuff to say (too much according to some people). It’s that I’ve spent most of the year doing the most in a lot of areas in my life, polishing, bettering, working hard on, and when summer came and I finished my last work project, I decided to take a break. From myself.
I didn’t wanna think about anything. For me that’s major, my mind is never on hold, I can’t just press pause. It works a lot and it works too much, it goes on overdrive sometimes and I needed it to stop. When even things that are supposed to give you pleasure become another source of anxiety, you know something’s not right. And it wasn’t even a thought out decision, after finishing up with the Essaouira festival, I was so physically, emotionally worn out, that even if I wanted to do something productive I couldn’t have. When I came back home I just wanted to sleep, sleep the cumulative fatigue of two hard months away.
We spent most of last month ordering in or going out when I had enough energy, because I didn’t feel like cooking, not that I didn’t want to, it was just something else I didn’t have to preoccupy myself with. That’s what I meant when I said things that usually give you pleasure. Didn’t wanna bake, write, take pictures or think about doing anything. Just wanted to let myself live. From the time that I met my husband till now, my life has been a constant rollercoaster. I met him, moved out of the country, managed a long distance relationship, traveled, alone, with my friends, managed to come back home once a month, got married, moved out again, moved in into our new appartment, furnished it, had the big wedding reception, went to our honeymoon, re-did the family office, worked, studied, worked, worked, worked.. My brain just started to fail me. And I can’t blame it, I put insane amounts of pressure on it, and after battling depression, slowly learning how to feel good again, doing productive things with my life, meeting the most adorable man on earth, and deciding to start a life together, things snowballed into what they are right now, and even though I wouldn’t change this journey for the world, it doesn’t erase the fact that I just got tired.
I feel proud of everything I’ve been through for the past two years, after fighting so hard to gain a self confidence I never had, or even thought possible to ever have, I started putting it to good use into my life. I started thinking that yes, it was possible to have a non abusive relationship, that good guys do exist, that I just needed to have faith, and learn how to say yes. That even though I wanted to leave home right after high school, it didn’t matter that I was only able to do it when I was studying for my PhD. That even though I had stopped writing and taking care of my passions and my needs, I could start again. That even though I wanted so many things from life at such a young age, having to abandon them because you’re depressed doesn’t mean that you have to abandon altogether. Life sure is a rollercoaster, and you’re sometimes shocked that you still want things, you may think ‘but I’m supposed to be over this’, and the truth is, you’re not supposed to be over anything. Because if you wanted it once and never got it, you’ll want it again. And I guess that what I write most about, because it’s an eternal wonder for me. Untill you got what you wanted from your own life, you will keep coming back. You think you might be over something but you never truly are, and if you convince yourself that you are, that’s when depression hits. That’s when it hit me, and I was at my lowest. When I spent the better part of my twenties trying to convince myself that I was just fine doing things that I didn’t necessarily like. That was such a miserable time in my life. I’m gonna be truly raw right now, as soon as, and I mean, the exact second, you start feeling bad around someone, stop being around them. If someone makes you feel bad, and you’re staying for whatever reason, just know that it’s gonna leave its toll on you, that you will forever try to move on from that hold. Because we all may have insecurities, self issues we’re trying to work on, but some truly negative, toxic people, can hit all the triggers to amplify those insecurities and make you live in a world of emptiness and sorrow. When you start removing yourself from your own life, watching it go by, that’s the alarm ringing. Do something, walk away, even if it rips your heart apart and shatter it into a million little pieces that you will spend a long time trying to stick back together. Better to be broken than void.
This time when I stopped doing what I liked, it didn’t ring any alarm in my head, I knew it was just because of tiredness, that I needed holiday vacation for my mind. I tend to drive it crazy and like a spoiled kid it sulks and pouts a little, and doesn’t feel like doing homework. But it’s okay, as long as I know that, it doesn’t matter how long of a vacation my brain needs. I’m gonna give it all the time in the world, after depriving it for so long from what it longed for, I can give it a break. I choose being tired over being depressed any day of the week.